My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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