i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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