Having a random hookup so left but love u
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
