dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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