You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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