I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Randomize
