just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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