True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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