I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
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