She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
