OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
