Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
