I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
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