sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
