Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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