Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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