I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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