I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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