I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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