Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
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