I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
did i just pee glitter
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
