How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
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