I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
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