my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
