I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
