I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
