Don't you send me to vm
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
