I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
