If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
