We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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