im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
