We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
