she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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