im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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