I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
