Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
