Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
