"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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