I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
