I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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