It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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