no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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