Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
babies were throwing up all over the place
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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