I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
