who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Can you bring me the toilet please
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
