you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
