I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
