Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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