she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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