I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
